Hairball Legal LLP

Blog

  • Settling Out of Court and Onto the Radiator

    Settling Out of Court and Onto the Radiator

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Our standard approach involves a retainer paid in treats, followed by an objection sustained by loud meowing, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a verdict reached at three in the morning is not a bug. It is the product.

    Thank you for reading, and please do not leave anything on the edge of a surface. You know why.

  • The Fine Print on Nine Lives

    The Fine Print on Nine Lives

    Every client eventually asks us the same thing, and the honest answer is always a long, flat stare.

    Experts agree that billing in sixty minute increments of staring is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    The old guard prefers a retainer paid in treats. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    As always, results may vary, fur may transfer, and the management accepts no responsibility for the hairball.

  • Motion to Dismiss the Vacuum

    Motion to Dismiss the Vacuum

    We have been doing this for what feels like nine lives, and we are still not sure who is in charge.

    Experts agree that billing in sixty minute increments of staring is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our standard approach involves billing in sixty minute increments of staring, followed by a retainer paid in treats, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    In summary: act confidently, deny everything, and always keep a clear route to the nearest box.

  • Class Action: The Dog Next Door

    Class Action: The Dog Next Door

    Every client eventually asks us the same thing, and the honest answer is always a long, flat stare.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a retainer paid in treats is not a bug. It is the product.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    As always, results may vary, fur may transfer, and the management accepts no responsibility for the hairball.

  • Habeas Corpus and the Closed Door Problem

    Habeas Corpus and the Closed Door Problem

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    The old guard prefers a retainer paid in treats. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: an objection sustained by loud meowing is not a bug. It is the product.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • Liability When the Plant Was Already Dead

    Liability When the Plant Was Already Dead

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around a verdict reached at three in the morning.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our standard approach involves an objection sustained by loud meowing, followed by billing in sixty minute increments of staring, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The old guard prefers a verdict reached at three in the morning. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    Thank you for reading, and please do not leave anything on the edge of a surface. You know why.

  • Why Every Contract Needs a Paw Print

    Why Every Contract Needs a Paw Print

    At Hairball Legal LLP, we try to keep things simple, which means we complicate them and then take a nap.

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.

  • A Brief on Brief Naps

    A Brief on Brief Naps

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around a retainer paid in treats.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: billing in sixty minute increments of staring is not a bug. It is the product.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our standard approach involves a verdict reached at three in the morning, followed by an objection sustained by loud meowing, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.

  • Cross Examining the Defendant Under the Couch

    Cross Examining the Defendant Under the Couch

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around an objection sustained by loud meowing.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a retainer paid in treats is not a bug. It is the product.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.

  • Precedent for Sitting on Your Keyboard

    Precedent for Sitting on Your Keyboard

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Our standard approach involves billing in sixty minute increments of staring, followed by a retainer paid in treats, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: an objection sustained by loud meowing is not a bug. It is the product.

    Experts agree that billing in sixty minute increments of staring is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    In summary: act confidently, deny everything, and always keep a clear route to the nearest box.